Laur's Blog, Volume 3: When the Noise Goes Silent

Absence of Words

I haven't had the urge to write recently, and I'm not quite sure why. I got back to Charleston last week, so I have been busy. I don't have time to think. I don't have the ability to let my thoughts linger. I have nothing to put on paper.

I've been trying to grapple with the feeling of being stuck. I've been trying to understand that I need periods of rest, of grace. I need to let my thoughts go silent. Yet who am I without the motion, without the noise? Who am I when the world goes quiet?

Chaos is Creativity's Home

Chaos inspires creativity. It is the disarray that allows me to function. It is the noise that grants me the drive to create. I don't know who I am without it. I don't know how to be stagnant, still. I don't know how to let time take over or relinquish control. I don't know how to let things just happen.

I'm convinced that part of it is the beauty of being human, the beauty of living for passion. Yet, I don't know how to live when I am not pursuing something. I hate waiting for what is next. I hate when the world goes quiet. I hate everything I've created this month. I hate when things are steady.

Everything is Atoms

Life is like a circle. It is a cycle. There is no start or end point. Life in itself is infinite. Einstein taught us that all energy cannot be created nor destroyed; that we have all been here before. It is not necessarily reincarnation I believe in, but rather the proven recycling of atoms.

I wonder why the warmth of this planet still scares me, if I have felt it before. I wonder if I am scared of the universe because I am part of it. I wonder why I refuse to accept the beauty in me if I can in all other living beings I encounter.

The Sky is a Mirror

We are all the same. I feel my connection to the universe, to each person I meet, though I am not grounded by it. I am not stabilized by the idea that I am the world and the world is me. I cannot accept that I share the same atoms as every living, breathing, beautiful thing.

The sky is a mirror, some say. How you see the world is how you should see yourself. Why haven't I let that be true? Why have I taken for granted the fact that I am something as big as the universe? Why can't I find passion in the beauty of the world, the beauty of me? Why does chaos serve as my creative inspiration, my means to function? What does it mean for me when the noise goes silent? When there is nothing to pursue?

Let Time Happen

I've been adapting to the idea that it is okay to be stuck. It's okay not to be happy with your creations or to lose your drive. It's okay as long as you allow it to come back. I know that slowly, I'll start writing again. Soon, I'll have the time to think, the ability to let my thoughts linger. Soon, I'll have something to put on paper.

I hope to find peace, and I hope that in finding peace, I'll also find creativity. I hope that the beauty within the world can one day serve as my inspiration; that the beauty in me will grant me my drive to create. Soon, I'll function in the silence. I'll be okay with the stagnation. Soon, I won't be stuck. Time will happen. I will find passion in being. I will feel the warmth this planet has to offer, and I will let its light shine through me. Soon, I will not fly. Soon, I will soar.