Laur's Blog, Volume 7: The Art of Loving Everyone

I Remember Everything

I fall in love with everyone I meet. My life is like the Hozier song. It doesn't matter if it's their smile, their hair, their demeanor, their presence; I crave it. I crave connection. I long to learn about others. I am fascinated by the art of existence, the art of individuality. Some may call it my best attribute, while others call it my demise; my love for people, for the world, will be the death of me.

I often find myself thinking about every soul I have crossed paths with. I wonder if that girl from fourth grade is doing okay. If her parents still fight. If she was able to get out. I wonder if my old friends ever think of me as I think of them; if they wish me well despite the bad, too. I wonder if my parents are proud. If my little sister has healed from what she won’t mention. I wonder if the world will get better.

I smile at every stranger I make eye contact with in the street. I make conversation with whoever is standing next to me. “It’s so nice today!” “I love that top!” I compliment everything I like. I let people know that they are seen, or at least, I try to.

The Sky is a Mirror

I think I have lost myself in my love for everything else. I lose my grasp sometimes. I lose composure. I lose the ability to see myself in the eyes of others, and with it, the ability to fall in love with myself, too. I forgot that’s what it's all about.

It’s not the world that’s important, but rather what you make of it, how you envision it. The sky is a mirror. It’s the reflection that gets you. The reminder that you are as big as the whole earth, that you are part of something bigger than yourself. That you are nothing but flesh and atoms, particles of the universe composing one being.

I’ve written about this all before. Time and time again, I find myself facing my fear of the world, my fear of myself. What I could become. I push it away; my future, the best version of myself. I am not ready to meet her.

I Haven't Felt It

I don’t choose to fall in love with everyone I meet. I wish I could dislike others. I wish I could wish bad for those who have brought the worst upon me. I wish I had it in me to be rude to those who deserve it. To see them at the surface. To not excuse their actions. 

I see why some call it my best attribute. I can find the good in everyone. I can acknowledge their pasts, their grievances, and what made them who they are. Yet I can’t acknowledge that I deserve nothing but the same. I can’t reckon with the fact that one day, this love should be reciprocated.

I haven’t felt it; I haven’t felt the love I have to give. I haven’t experienced the good this universe has to offer. I haven’t been given faith. I remember expressing this to my friend in high school. His only response was: “I hope that one day you are loved by someone in the way you love this world, Lauren”. I haven’t forgotten about that since.

Letting Love In

That is my dream. My real goal, if you will, is to find someone as passionate for living as I am. To find someone who lets life shine through me. Though I have my doubts that they will. I doubt that I will be seen through such vibrancy. I doubt that I deserve the love I have to give.

Maybe that’s the part I’ve been missing all along… Maybe I need to learn how to let that love in. I hope that one day, I do. I hope that one day, it happens; I’ll feel it. I hope that one day, I can fall in love with being me.